Wednesday, June 30, 2004

stayed home from work today
had a major panic attack at the mall yesterday
just walkin through tryin to find myself a skirt and bam it hits
i couldnt breathe, my heart was racing, my arms were tingling and the feeling of derealization or depersonalization took over my body, basically that feels like your in a dream or out of your body.
i know my eyes must have been rolling into the back of my head bcs this one lady just kept looking at me like i was insane.
fuck maybe i am
got home eventually and started doing some research
my doc had diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder but what i just felt was in NO way general.
so i have come to a self diagnosis
i'm completely fucking insane...or i have panic disorder

now i have to do something about this, don't ever want that to happen again. i can honestly say it was the scariest thing anyone could go through.

after that episode i couldnt sleep all nite and i had a fever of 103. so yesterday was a complete write off
the only productive thing was figuring out that i am indeed psychotic
which reestablishes the beliefs of mr mike
maybe he wasnt such an utter dumbass after all

Sunday, June 27, 2004

i'm happy for the first time in a long long while
got rid of my 'ball and chain' as i like to say
not only is life looking up but i met a great guy
but things seem to be going to good to jinx so thats all i'll say

there are many things that can hold you back. Yet there's always a way to turn them around, into forces that move you forward. just simply deciding to be happy can have a positive effect on our day.

last nite was the last of the mardi gras festivities down at hess. i woke up this morning with over 20 beads around my neck. 'oh shit...what the fuck did i do' was the first thought that entered my mind this morning. but with some advil and a couple minutes i remembered exactly what i did...NOTHING! i somehow managed to walk away with that many beads with absolutely no damage to my reputation.
walked up to a guy and asked him for beads and his horny little response of course was that i had to 'show him the goods', i just simply laughed and stated that my 'goods' were, in my opinion, worth a little bit more than 25 cents worth of plastic. 'nice to see a girl around here that respects herself' and with this he handed me 4 necklaces.
the remainder of my beads were collected through friends and innocent pecks on the cheek. not too shabby.
posted last night somewhere between the drunken fall down the stairs and the complete annihilation of my whopper and fries but i had to erase it this morning due to crude and explicit content, haha

so thats my weekend in a nutshell, and i encourage you to vote on j-mo's website and tell him that selling drugs is the best and only way to make quick money...

Friday, June 25, 2004

clonazepan is my new best friend
one of those pills could put out a horse

why is it that when you're going through a rough patch in your life the craziest of crazy stuff happens to you?
taught a class yesterday and on our cigarette break one of my clients decided to tell me her life story.
she has been schizophrenic for the last 10 yrs
"i realized i was schizo when i saw the love of my life on the tv and he talked to me right through it. he told me that he was a devil worshipper and that he would make me happy... ever since then i've heard his voice telling me to do bad stuff and he comes to visit me when i'm lonely"
ok so how exactly am i supposed to react to this, she was hysterically crying and i've only been in school for counselling for 1 yr.
clearly not enough to help her
more unexperienced counsellors go through this thing called transference...
thats when we take on the problems and symptoms of our clients and if i keep hearing stuff like that i may go crazy
maybe i'm not cut out for this social work thing, i felt as though i was making things worse for her by being there...i dont feel qualified enough or worthy of helping her
maybe its my own insecurities but i think i'll stick to photocopying at the office

just got back to hamilton last nite from boring st kitts
happy as hell to be around my friends again, and tonite a certain someone is making me dinner and then we'll get all liquored up
liquored up enough so that i take part in the mardi gras festivities down at hess tonite
and yes by that i mean FLASHING
i won't do it but i am not opposed to seeing some titties tonite
i'll post tonite when i'm drunk but if you wanna read it you'll have to do it early tommorow morning because i'll probably wake up and erase it
the drunken mind of mare is not something i want my 2 faithful readers to be forced to read

Monday, June 21, 2004

kinda nervous last nite, been that way for a couple weeks
my dad gave me 2 of his sleeping pills so i took half of one around 9pm
thinking it would take too long i chewed it up so as to make the effects come faster
i then lit a cigarette, 1 minute later i dropped the butt on my bed and almost passed out
crazy how fast they work
all day today i've been drowsy and in a daze
every little thing seems funny as hell
sat in on a class today at work and had to leave the room because the instructor kept wrinkling her nose
i was hysterical
anyways, today was a great day, i got the phonecall i was waiting for YAY! and that took away some of the anxieties.
and someone please tell mr mike not to call me a slut just because i wore a miniskirt at the bar
and then tell the guys at the bar that when we wear miniskirts we are not asking them to lift them up with their dirty ass hands or get rude when we don't want to talk to their grimy asses.
decided to change the layout of the blog because pink and white was just too happy and wannabe cute...i'm not cute
black just looks much better, glad u like it, and if you don't then start

Thursday, June 17, 2004

i need something new,
something so new i've never felt it, smelled it, thought of it...
Too many days saying what if...
what if i kept my promises...
what if i stuck to my guns...

pressure inside your chest you just want to explode and scream your days away

i want someone to take me away

so far from my life that i forget
and i want him to be like me
someone who feels and thinks the same way i do

everyone and everything just seems so fony
like when they tell me they love my purse
Shut up

how many times do i need to write about this before i do something about it?
writing is my only way of knowing how i feel
it all comes out, then falls neatly into place...not my life but my thoughts that is

i don't want to blog about my weekend or guys anymore
i couldn't give an ass if anyone reads it
sometimes we just need to get it all out
i'm not crazy, just expressive
Maybe i'll stop blogging, just write it all on paper

pretty dumb that i can get into trouble for what i write on here
maybe personal writings should stay just that...PERSONAL
its hard when you have so many things going on in your life that everything jumbles up into one big problem
erase my memory
erase your memory
or just stop reading if your gonna judge
nobody's perfect
look in the mirror

Tony said it best today when he wrote about blogging,
don't give the address to your friends, family, coworkers, etc...

too many people who want you to fail, too many people looking for new material
if everyone wrote down everything they were thinking, it would sound a lot like this does
especially on a bad day
or a day after debauchery as is my case
but if you want a way to get all the junk out of your system, i suggest blogging or just writing

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

do you honestly think i forget?
are you so blind that you dont see the revenge?
you've lied and cheated
am i so stupid that i'll forget that easy?
how can you honestly think that things are ok with us
i laugh at your stupidity
i grin at your misfortunes
the only way to be fine with what you have done is to do it back to u
i love that you trust me, it makes it that much better
if you only knew how you made me feel those months
maybe then you wouldnt have done it
but now you'll know...
you'll feel it too
you'll feel the pain you caused me
and i'll know what it's like to sit back and laugh
laugh like you did all that time
but only i will not be stupid enough to think you won't find out
i know things that you've done that you don't know i know...
but i know
and i wont forget

Now if i could only get up the courage to hurt you like that...
maybe some day

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

been working a lot lately, never have a computer handy unless i'm at home
another reason i've been lacking on the posts is the lack of creativity
i don't know who i though i was kidding when i started this thing, tryin to sound all smart and shit
but to the 2 faithful readers that i do have, i will not cease to post
just continue with the stupidity that is posting my life on a pink blog.
Air conditioner broke down, landlord doesnt seem to want to come fix it
i'm all hot and bothered...in more ways than one.

Jeff's new blog is up, and i have to say that i really enjoy reading his stuff
i'm not exactly sure how i came about his blog but i'm glad i did.

and to Raymi, i still cannot believe she linked me on her blog, Thanks a ton, hits went up from 2 peeps to 5
haha no, it was much more than that. i'm honored, thanks Raymi, you are the first recipient of 'the pink palace award for excellent blogging'...oh what an honor you say...
you deserve it!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

What's the point...

i've written many times that i'm a good christian
i've told many that i have a strong faith
i've been lying to myself and to everyone else
the things i do are sinful
drink, smoke, have sex, swear, and the list goes on...
how can i carry the name of a Roman Catholic on my shoulders but not follow the churches teachings?
why do i continue to jeopardize my eternal life for a few drinks and a meaningless fuck?
a careful self-evaluation needs to take place and things need to change
i didnt even go to church today because i was too hung over
now i know there are some good excuses to miss it
but definitely not this one
20 yrs old, time to grow the hell up
plan for my future, not ruin it

Friday, June 04, 2004

used to have panic attacks pretty often

doctor said it was because i was under a lot of stress
this was over a year ago
i've felt great until two weeks ago, maybe its because my grandma died
maybe its because i've been overloaded with work
whatever it is, it really sucks
my days are taken up by an overwhelming feeling of anxiety
i can't sleep for my than 6 hours, i wake up and start cleaning or just walking around my house aimlessly
these past two weeks are a big blurr and its a little scary
on the way back to the parents house today my mom and i had a talk
she thinks it's a certain someone coming back into my life
i dont know what it is but what i do know is that when he was around a year ago i was having the same problem
i enjoy his presence still but maybe subconciously i'm scared
i dont know what it is but it better go away soon
or maybe it wont and im just going schizophrenic
we'll just have to see

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

got to work this morning, had to facilitate a class
when i finished the secretary came to me with a little pink slip
my friend tiff had called, i had placement interviews at the college, unbenounced to me (thanks Niagara College)
1/2 hr later i was sitting in front of a young woman.
this interview was for a place called Women's Place, a shelter for abused women and children. if i took this placement, i would be working mainly with the children.
she asked me if i had any experience working with children
i told her about my current job with people with disabilities
mentally ranging between the ages of 6 and 12 yrs old.
so 'yes i guess you could say i have extensive experience'
she told me i got the placement, she loved me

20 minutes later i sat down infront of an older lady
her eyes looked down on me as if she didnt like me by first impression.
her agency deals with young pregnant teens that come in and my job would be to counsel them, give them their options
this being a christian based agency and with my strong religious beliefs, i was excited to begin.
it was too good to be true
she asked me my stance on abortion, i told her that it was not my position to judge anyone, that there are extreme circumstances in which one may feel right making the decision
to be honest, i have no fuckin clue what i believe or where i stand
i just dont think that insisting the agencies beliefs on a grief stricken teen so forcefully can be good for their mental health
but hey, what the hell do i know, just a young teen much like them
we talked some more and she told me that she too wanted me for a placement
so much for bad first impressions, maybe i interview well
whatever it is, i have two places lined up so far

another 20 minutes and i sit down infront of yet another woman.
she is from the Alzheimer Society
she asks me what i know about alzheimers, i don't know much so i began to bullshit
she cut me off, obviously feeling sorry for me
she started again by asking me some scenario questions
'what if you recieved a phonecall from the wife of an alzheimers victim? she tells you that her husband has been in a dymentic state for a few days. she doesn't want to deal with it anymore. what do you say?'
i answered...quite well i must say
she smiles and we finish the interview
she tells me she'll get back to me, i dont think she liked me
out of all three, Alzheimers seemed the most interesting
ahhh what can you do