JusMare

life...

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


Days seem to be getting longer and longer
4 months is way too long to have off school, beginning to feel stupid
Anyone out there been out of school for a while and feel like you're becoming less and less intelligent
I think it's the school thing along with various chemicals injected into my brain evening out the levels of serotonin
in other words my  happy pills
If not looking out for my health in the long run I think I'd take ecstasy instead
Speaking of the miracle pill, a friend of mine called today and asked if I would be interested in droppin some E and drivin around friday night
personally i'd rather go to a club...but hey E is E
haven't done it in a while...the world seems so fuckin incredible for a few hours
and then it goes from great to i wanna kill myself infront of my parents so they see what a complete failure i am (pictured here): 

that chick just keeps getting more looped

anyways...so E it is

anyone wanna give me $1000 for my trip to mexico? Going somewhere at the end of August, hopefully to visit my fellow spaniards...well mexicans...wait i'm neither

 

Monday, July 26, 2004

so hard to come up with a quality post nowadays
Nico was having trouble and now it seems as though I am
Creative juices flow for a couple days out of the month and the rest i end up posting about meaningless random jargon
ok so lets see...i've covered all i want to say about sex and God in the last month 
I think i'll discuss my friends this time
We'll start with Mandy - very cool chick. I think it's safe to say that we've been in our fair share of fights but always come out drunk and passing out together on the random. Met her in grade 6...and then in grade 7 we decided that we would tackle the 'Gothic' world together and began to dress like tools and draw cobwebs up our arms...then we began drinking, oh wait no that was at the same time, yup GRADE 7 (or it could have been 6, it's a blurr). then the cigarettes came and they have been my faithful companions ever since...oh yes and mandy too

Jen - my best friend in the whole world (pictured here):

Met in grade 6 and have been pretty inseparable since then. Most guys we date think we may be lesbians because of the amount of time we spend together. We go to clubs just the 2 of us...we hang out every free minute...shes a part of the family
Things have been a bit different lately...i moved away, she found a man...bahhhhh

J-Mo - deadly guy...probably one of the best guys i've ever met. Met him through Jen a few years back and now he's my blog-buddy. I would put in a pic of the 2 of us but they are all too racey and x-rated (haha just kidding Jordan) 
Jordan's an awesome guy if you need someone there...even if its just to talk...Love Ya J-Mo!

Ok no more...I don't have any other friends, nah i'm just tired of typing and the chicken greek salad at Cat's Caboose is calling my name. So Melissa, Biancs, Tiff, Michy, Mia and Steph... I love you too so don't leave any rude or threatening comments. 

 

Friday, July 23, 2004

I'm voting...FUCK HER BRAINS OUT

J-mo's post got me thinking about sex today
I cannot understand how some people are waiting for marriage
ya it's sweet and all but come on
most happy people i've met have sex as an essential part of their lives
one can only be satisfied with toys or themselves for so long
my beautiful mama waited until marriage (or so she says)...thats 4 yrs of dating without sex
i'm lucky if i can wait 4 weeks...ok so thats an exaggeration...2 weeks
Nah, i went through the stage i'm sure most people do in which the sex was much more abundant and i didn't really wait to like the guy a lot
but now that i've passed that stage i think i'll wait for someone who really means something..or someone 3 inches tall and battery operated 

I can't even believe i actually write these things on here
most people that know me will say that i never talk about this stuff and am usually too shy to publish my sex life on a public webpage
I've told most people that love me that they can't get mad for things i write on here...
so shut up and deal with it

Thursday, July 22, 2004

We have now surpassed the 2000 visitors mark.
I would be no where without my 3 faithful readers coming to check up 5 or 6 times a day
thanks guys ::tear drops::

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

The fear of getting fat has slowly crept into my subconcious
I can no longer eat anything without memorizing how many calories and grams of fat it contains
and if there is no indication i categorize it as devil food and throw it away as a tear slowly falls down my cheek.
No more restaurants, no more home cooked meals by the mother
Lost 30 lbs lately and God Help whoever lends a hand in me gaining it back
well i guess it's just me who shoves the food in my face
haha this must sound so funny coming from a chick who weighs 110 lbs but you wouldnt think it if you saw me 3 months ago
fat as hell i tell ya

My posts vary so greatly from one extreme to the other...you could almost say that i'm blog-bi-polar. One day I post about God and Love and all that nice shit and that next its about vibrators and eating disorders...is there some sort of blog-psychologist i can see?
I'm sure you really don't need any 'real credentials' so if anyone is interested in taking on my case let me know
i think i need God

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Is there something wrong with wanting a vibrator?
not that I don't get great sex but a girl has other needs
Why when I ask this people treat it like it's taboo... anyone know anything about them?
I'd get a whip like Nico but i have a smaller one from halloween and it's never been used.
I'm sure most chicks use them but don't disclose...come on...i won't tell anyone 
  
  

What did you think I meant?
 

Monday, July 19, 2004

My weekend started off really well...Adam stayed the night Thursday and we sat around drinking wine. Friday night some friends came up to St Kitts to visit me, oh the debauchery. Saturday night did not go so well.
Let's start at the beginning...Jen couldn't come up on Friday so we promised to hang out the following night.
10 o'clock came around as the cab pulled up to the house to bring us to Hess. It was just Jen and I and we were meeting her boyfriend and a few of his friends for some random's birthday. The night started off pretty shitty as i tried to drown my boredom with tequila and rum and cokes. As I got more liquored up, the night seemed to look up a bit. A guy whom we will call 'Adam', actually thats his real name, but it's not my Adam, another asshole, was constantly in my vicinity. Asking me questions about my boyfriend and trying to dance...like honestly get a clue bud, there's no chance
the night eventually came to an end and I wanted to go home. I called my Adam wondering if I could go to his house but he was too tired...understandably so
So I ended up at Jen's boyfriends house passed out on his futon.
When I fell asleep the futon was still sitting like a couch and the guys had left.
When I woke up the futon was pulled out and pervert face was trying to put his hands down my pants.
no joke
I immediately jumped up and fuckin flipped out...ran into Jen's room and demanded to be taken home
I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling like you've been taken advantage of, sexually I mean
I'm not exactly sure what was going through his head and I don't really care
How low of a human being do you have to be to make someone else feel that way...unforgivable...rot in hell
I told Adam the next day about what had happened and his reaction was not very comforting
He was accusatory, he told me that these things wouldn't happen if one didn't put themselves in those situations...which I completely agree with.
I know I shouldn't have been there but I had no way of knowing something like that would happen
He's not mad at me anymore...just upset at the situation
 
Got home from work today and there was an email from the drunken pervert
it read: 
 
Marietta
I am writing to apologize for my actions this past Saturday night.  What I did was shameful, disreputable, and unconscionable and I cannot explain nor defend my behavior.  Despite the fact that my level of intoxication may have impaired my judgment, I refuse to use this as an excuse for my behavior.  I assure you that it was something completely out of character for me and for that reason I remain embarrassed, humiliated, and disgusted with myself, so I can only imagine how you must feel.  I truly am sorry for putting you in that position.  It’s something that no person should ever have to go through, let alone someone as caring, compassionate, and selfless as you.  I will understand if you do not reply, as I alone have betrayed your trust thereby ruining any possibility of a relationship with you, friends or otherwise.  All I can say is that I am deeply sorry and embarrassed by my actions, and hope that you never experience anything of the sort again.
With deepest regret and sincerity, Adam
 
Ok so the letter was nice...although not nice enough...i hope you die
I guess with these experiences we learn that no matter how caring we choose to live our lives, there are always going to be people out there that want to hurt you, that want to bring you down. Maybe being nice is just too naive and stupid of me. Maybe the only way to get somewhere in life is to bring others down...hmmm something to think about 
 

Friday, July 16, 2004

Today was the most fulfilling day of my career
Those who have completed our job training program had their graduation today
it was the firat of many graduations to come and i've never been so touched by a group of people in my life
all of them have disabilities that impair them to the point in which most of us would never  be able to cope
as they walked up to that podium i could barely stand the excitement in their faces
they were so proud of themselves and so were we
with a smile that could brighten the darkest storm they all recieved their certificates
we stood around and congratulated them afterwards and i had to leave the room i was to taken aback by their strength and courage
they will all be leaving us now and joining the community as not only productive members but as friends and inspirations to everyone they meet
one of my clients walked up to me and asked if he could sing me a song
he made it up on the spot
it was about how beautiful i've made his life and how much he liked the cake he was eating
i cried...
about how amazing he was and how delicious the cake tasted
 
It's so hard to say goodbye to them
i want to take care of them and make sure they are always ok...
but we have to let them go and live their lives
i'll never forget any of them
i'll never forget all of the lessons they've taught me
and i'll never forget that song
 

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Money is something so easily obtained
Whether it be through legal or illegal means
But friendships and love come only to those who work for it
Love doesn't just fall in our laps
It is much more precious than that
Its something we live for, something we die for
Things of such value are cannot be easily obtained
Without the blood and tears of those who love us we would not be who we are today
When you find real friends...love them
When you find true love...cherish it
And when you feel like you've loved and lost
Don't be the one to forget how great it feels
Look again
Because even if you have no love in this lifetime
There is much more waiting for you after
Sometimes we feel as though we are not deserving of love and forgiveness
Some may feel that God won't forgive the awful things we've done
Well then we need to look at our parents or our loved ones
If they can forgive and still love us then one can only imagine how quickly we are forgiven by the Father
We are forgiven before we ask for it
If our parents and loved ones can love us and they are only human
Then imagine how much God loves us
And all He asks is that we be kind, that we love him back
I can't imagine my life without God in it
I respect all other beliefs of course...but I don't understand them
If God can do so many amazing things in my life then how can it be wrong?
One day I'll tell you about the 2 miracles that took place in my life
And maybe then you can respect how much I truly love my religion

Me and J-Mo (pic was from long time...don't know why i haven't put it up yet...i need a camera of my own)

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

When it's time to look back and reevaluate our day, what is it that we think about?
Is it how hard the day was?, how many things went wrong.
Or is it that no matter what, we are thankful for what we are given
I choose to be thankful in every way
I have a beautiful family, awesome friends and a great boyfriend
My job is one that will be fulfilling everyday…even the days in which I don't see the gifts
Just that smile from one of my clients can really make an important impact on my day
Whether it's because they love me and are truly happy or because their mental state is one in which they see nothing but good
I'm not sure if it is because I have some of the greatest people to work with, but either way they are what wakes me up in the morning...my drive.
God gives us so many gifts and we turn a blind eye
We don't see how extremely hard life could be...and they live this reality everyday
Education, money, social status-the most important things to the majority of us
We have it so easy in Canada...if we fail there is always funding and people waiting to pick us up and help us to start over.
Those with disabilities are of course very fortunate in that they can collect monies from various different pots...but that is only if they are mentally capable of realizing what is available to them.
I sit here and worry about such diminutive things and all I wish for my readers is that one day everyone will find that drive and compassion to help out someone else
Compassion is something so difficult to achieve
I had a conversation recently in which a friend of mine told me about working at the bank.
She hates the end of the month because all of the "retards" and "welfare bums" come in.
Yes they smell...but did you ever wonder why? What's going on at home? Do they have running water? Do they have a home? And if they have a disability then can they even bathe themselves?
If we stop worrying about things that may annoy us like a bad stench or someone that can't get the right words out and we start to worry about that person, why they live that way, and what can we do to help, only then can we be content with our day.
Maybe for once we can be happy in our lives and make someone smile in the process.
I don't write this to change anyone's mind or to make anyone feel bad. I just want one person to smile today, whether it be by my hands or those of someone close to me.
The only person that will judge us is God
And if we live through his teachings everyday then it won't be so much of a judgement but a welcome home.
I can't wait to go home.

Monday, July 12, 2004

few months back i was getting phonecalls from a heavy breather
this gentleman supposedly liked to show off his incredible lung capacity into the phone and tell me that he was coming for me...



called the police once and after they left 'he' called again and told me that he saw me with the police and that i would be sorry.
After that the phonecalls pretty much stopped until tonight
i only know of one person that calls me private and they were at work tonite so i got a little nervous and didnt want to answer the phone
sure enough when i finally did all i heard was the breathing
i thought it had stopped but of course not
just when things start to look up my stalker comes back
And no 'my stalker' is not an understatement or overstatement for that matter
he is convinced that he has come to canada to protect me and that if he doesnt then i will get hurt <--exact words
so its back to my no sleep, checking out the window every 2 minutes and making my mom sleep over life.
YAAAAAAAAAAAA

Reading through the daily's today and i love God's post about the path to our hearts. Some pretty profound writing...impressive

some of the funniest stuff i've seen in a long time took place on Raymi's blog while she went away to mexico
there were something like 150 comments most of which were directed towards her mom.
mother raymi was nice enough to keep the site interesting while raymi went out to play but a few bloodthirsty, moronic readers had to make her feel bad...well at least they tried
its a mother for christ's sake, have some fuckin respect
there was some discussion about raymi and her relation to jack kerouac...a few readers actually cared if she had lied about it or not and turned to cruel comments in between their tears and desperation for the truth...like honestly get a fuckin life
i too love to read about raymi's crazy life but come on get a life of your own
blog often
blog about things that feel good to get out
blog about gay comments on other peoples blogs
blog about whatever the hell comes to mind
but relax with the comments when all they are doing is making you feel better about your pathetic life

*PinkPalaceUpdate*
oh and yes, as i have explained to j-mo..there will be no more questions on my posts. it seems as though all other posts are deserving of a comment except the one with actual questions directed at the readers. this does not include one bcs he was nice enough to post about my question, thank you Jeff...

Friday, July 09, 2004

Sitting at work yesterday completely bored out of my tree
and i just couldn't think of anything to post about
it was that and the fact that my supervisor kept walking in and out of the room completely preventing me from reading the dailys (blogs)
none of my clients came to my classes and basically all i had to do was prepare for some of mondays classes.
as i'm sitting there none other than mr mike pops on and says hello
i havent talked to him in weeks
surprisingly enough he was very nice to me
even going as far as saying that he wanted me to tell him when i ws talkin to another guy because he had to approve
ok so the guys that read this or even the girls tell me something...
what was with this newly found niceness?
never once did he respect me during the course of our relationship but now he wants to be friends
there is absolutely no way i'll tell him about adam just yet
i don't know how far things are going to go with that and there is no sense in hurting mike
not that i want mr mike back at all
i would rather chew off my arms...but i'll respect him enough not to hurt him
So this morning at 5am on his way to work mike decides to call me to talk
like come on now...its 5 fucking am
i politely let him go and now he's going to call me later on today
i'll probably just not answer
i don't think i can handle anymore mr mike

anyways... Adam and i went for dinner yesterday and the slut ass waitress was smiling at him the entire time
if it wasn't for the fact that she knew my good friend Tiff i would crush her skull between my yummy quesadillas
Adam was polite enough not to smile back...+1 point

i'm not sure if its just me but i can't seem to let myself fall for him
been in too many deadend relationships that i'm nervous i guess
there are no more ex bf's to secretly smile over once in a while because they have all proven to be likely spawned from satan these last few weeks
well maybe not chris, i guess we just both figured out that things have changed

so another question to my 3 readers is: how do i get over this initial fear of committing? are there any guarantees?

Monday, July 05, 2004

man nothing good ever happens on my weekends
ya we go out and drink our faces off but nothing too ridiculous happens
this is gonna need to change...getting sick of the same old shit every weekend
maybe its because i'm old as hell now, and yes i think 20 is old
my parents were well on their way to getting married and my dad was in the midst of getting his masters degree (happens a little earlier in peru)
this is much like all of our parents
they had drive, they were adults
i still go home to my parents house every weekend and steal their food and my mom still buys me my clothes
i don't know if it's just me but i'm beginning to feel really bad
the thought of not moving back in with the fam when school is done scares me
am i all done there? whoa...whats next?
i can't even begin to think about it because on my free time i'm too busy drinking and dancing my face off

gotta go to the docs soon
think there's something wrong with my thyroid
that would explain the anxiety and heart racing
as well as the weight loss (30 lbs in 2 months)
ever seen those people with their eyes bulging out of their head?well those are people with hyper active thyroid that don't get it treated
wow imagine...then i'd be hot as hell

hard to type for this long, don't know how J-mo does it
this is gonna get pretty choppy so i'm gonna stop
ya, i know, isn't that long, shut up

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Greeceballs Take It...

underdog takes it home to greece central
what an upset for real soccer fans everywhere
not only did greece win but the best teams of the best ie. france, spain, england, germany barely made it through
i'm actually just glad that little slimeball c.ronaldo didn't see victory.
3 chances he had to score what would have been unbelievable goals but no...what did he do you ask???
OVER THE NET LIKE AN ITALIAN
if portugal can't win with amazing players like figo, deco, and rui costa then they deserve to be forced to recieve the 2nd most despicable member of the metal family: Silver (next of course to bronze)
a little overboard?: yes
do i care?: no
blowing off steam?: always



tuesday marks what will be the greatest display of soccer in two years...Copa America
being held in none other than my born country Peru
and of course i'll be rooting for my native country but my team is brazil and will always be.
tuesday starts 2 weeks of being a complete hermit...i'll turn my phone off during games...i don't want to disturb the soccer gods

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Let's start with last night...went down to hess village with j-mo and a few others
had a really good time. J-mo and i are obvious blogger geeks because thats all we talked about.
I've had a link to this page on my msn profile so that anyone who checked it could come read...but i found myself altering things i wanted to say in case someone had something to say about it.
After a talk with J-mo last night this changed, no longer a link and i feel much freer in the boundaries in which i can write
so without further ado (is that how you spell it? tryin to sound smart i guess) ill be writing about anything and everything i think of, but don't be disapointed if my writing doesn't change much, can't make any promises.

Adam...probably the most amazing guy i have met in a long time, maybe it's his age (6 more than me) or maybe its the fact that he's nothing like anyone i have ever dated. for some reason i seem to go for the asshole italian type.
well anyways, we made it official the other day and it may be my tendency to get hooked on guys but i've never been more comfortable with someone. i hope the feeling is mutual but i'll keep you updated on everything. or not...we'll see

this isnt the end of my story, still have to talk about last night but i'm off to grease myself up and lay on the beach so i'll post when i get back, or after my night with adam

and J-mo i just want to say that you are an awesome person and any girl would be completely lucky to have you, thanks for the chats last night...bloggers got eachothers backs!

Friday, July 02, 2004

I know it's taken me a little while to post about Nico's (swan) new blog but i just figured that since all of my readers probably read After the Debauchery that you would come across it anyway.
anyways... when i came across her blog i was very excited. i guess all the badgering by J-mo and i finally payed off...oh wait no...it was tony who just simply asked
whoever it was...Congrats Nico and good luck, you are a great writer!