JusMare

life...

Sunday, September 19, 2004

ok so the last time I posted I lied to you
I lied and said that I would be posting the next day and I didn't
why the lies Mare?
because I am a fuckin lazy dirtball
I talk about how much I love this blog and how its so nice to be able to get all my feelings out and then I forsake my beautiful readers with no posts for a week...and during a good week I only post once or twice
although I cannot make any promises I really want to keep you guys informed on my crazy life so I'll make more of an effort...
Last week I attended a "Suicide Intervention Retreat" which lasted two days
We learned about how to give first aid to someone who is thinking about takin the dive
my views on suicide have changed a lot through out this time
before the workshop I figured that if someone wanted to off themselves then by all means get on with it
why waste my time and energy on someone that is just going to give up anyway? there are so many other people that I can help and would really appreciate it
this workshop was also a little personal for me
when I was 8 my father attempted suicide
when I was 15 my father attempted suicide
My father has been sick for 15 years now...ever since I can remember he's had depression
a lot of people have it and it usually isn't too serious but my dad's case was far more serious than your normal bout of sadness
my father has a chemical imbalance which was to blame for my family almost losing him
I remember when I was 8 years old...my friend was having a birthday party and I had forgotten to tell my dad about it
being the good daddy he was he rushed to buy the present and get me to the party so that I would not be too late
on a long stretch of highway we were pulled over
my dad had been speeding and the policeman was less than nice about it
as the policeman walked back to his car to write up a ticket my dad started pounding on the dashboard and telling me that when I got older there were gonna be times that I just wouldn't want to go on...times that I wouldn't want to live anymore
I started to cry and seeing this my dad stopped, realizing what he had said he apologized and we went on our way to the party
When you're a child you shrug things off rather quickly so I ended up having a great time at the party all the while not knowing what was going on at home
when 8 o'clock rolled around and it was time to go everyone's parents came except mine
9 o'clock
10 o'clock
11 o'clock the phone finally rang
my mom was at the hospital and I had to stay at my friends house bcs my dad had "food poisoning" and she would stay with him for the night and pick me up the following morning
I was a kid but I still knew that something was up...it couldn't be a coincidence that my dad told me he wanted to die... and later that night he might actually be
he stayed in the hospital for 6 weeks after that
everynight I blamed myself for him being there
my dad had overdosed on pills and if I hadn't made him take me to jesse's party he'd be ok
I blamed myself for a long time
during the second week my dad blamed me too...he told me I was a bad kid because I made him sick
it was a long time until I stopped believing that.

A few years later he tried again, this time by asphyxiation
we talk about it now and he tells me that when he stood on that table and looked through that rope all he could see was my face, the faces of my brothers and he couldn't do it

My dad has gotten so much better lately...he found God
He's happy, he's beaten depression, and I'm a good kid again

I think this may be partly the reason I'm so religious
if God can turn someone so far gone like my dad into such an amazing person then I choose to thank him and believe for the rest of my life




Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I haven't been posting much lately and I've come up with a few reasons/excuses to my faithful readers:
#1- I've begun school again and frosh week isn't exactly the soberest of weeks for me. Most of my drunken posts have been erased thus far so filling your computer screen with idiocies isn't exactly what I feel will keep you reading
#2- I've switched rooms with another roomate...it is exactly 1 and 1/2 feet down the hall from my previous room but about twice the size. All the moving hasn't exactly given me ample time to write and I'm not sure you want to hear about it
#3- No real problems with anything...the boy and I are happy
I promise to post more often starting tomorrow...

Thursday, September 09, 2004

new link in my gay little pink box of readworthy blogs
The Beer Girl...read read read!

he read the post and he was mad
if you plan on getting angry for anything I write then don't read
don't even ask
I'm not about to change anything I write for anyone
my blog is the only semi-healthy release I have
anything I'm feeling can be temporarily healed through my fingers and keyboard
If I wasn't given a reason to be upset then it wouldn't show up on your computer screen
understand that you probably won't be here forever but if I so choose then my blog will
ok so you're probably wondering what happened with the boy and all that fighting
well when I got out of the car from our 6hr ride of lingering incomfort he asked me what my problem was
"I'm just frustrated"
"well then don't take it out on me"
"how can I not when you are the one I'm frustrated with!"
"oh thats nice Mare..."
::I storm inside:: (clearly expecting him to follow)
about five minutes later I see him walking up my front porch after realizing that I wasn't coming back out...
he grabs the back of my neck and kisses me
it was a nice kiss, he got whatever point it was that he was trying to make across ::i wonder if anyones home::
"I love you Mare, can we talk about this later so you don't hate me anymore?"
"of course"

My dad drove me back to St Kitts that night...my phone was off and he called
an hour or so later I called back, he didn't think I would
my dad told me to give it a couple of days...that Adam seemed to be a good guy and that I shouldn't make a final judgement on someone based on one weekend
My dad loves him more than I do

I'm still not entirely sure what I feel about all this
I know what I'm worth...not to be a bitch but I'm a damn good girlfriend
and I know I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect so I won't rest until I find the man to do it...whether it be Adam or not

so we talked for a while and I think things are better
I don't feel like much was resolved but whatever

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

got back from the cottage last night...i guess you could say it was an eye opening experience
the weekend started off well when i got so intoxicated that i fell asleep at 11pm the first night we were up.
the next night adam came up and everything was great...may it have been because he was drunk? i didn't think so
all day on Sunday him and i didn't really get along...he made smart ass remarks and then tried to pawn them off as "babe i was just joking...i can't believe you didn't get it"
I think I know the difference between a joke and a remark made intentionally to get under my skin
I guess you learn a lot about a person given you put them in the right situation
His was a remote location in the middle of nowhere surrounded with his friends
why do guys act so differently around their friends? Family?
I think the question is...why do guys treat you so damn well when you're alone but like a complete jackass when another living being may be within a mile or two?
I would do just about anything for anyone i care about...and just as much for someone i've just met
for this reason I've been taken advantage of my whole life
the last people i expect it from are the ones whom i love most but for some reason they're the first to do it.
it makes you feel like everyone around you thinks you're dumb, like you're not capable of thinking for yourself, doing for yourself...so they do it for you
What if I told you that I know what you're thinking? like when you play these stupid little mind games and don't think I realize what you're trying to do
Like when I first met you...you told me exactly everything you thought I wanted to hear but only because I had explained to a room full of people what my perfect guy was while you sat there intently
And just because you prove a point in one way that doesn't mean it's proven the way it needs to be...but I'm too dumb to remember what we were first talking about or the whole point of the conversation
everyone needs to realize that unless you're a complete moron then you too can see things from different levels, different angles, analyze, criticize, anatomize
just because you think you're smarter than them doesn't mean you really are
when i was little my dad told me something that'll stick with me for a while
"the smarter you think you are, the less others believe you to be"
because of this I like to sit back and just listen, pass a judgement and move on...I don't feel the need to prove that I'm smarter or wittier...I'll never make you feel dumb or put down anything about you...take a lesson...remember how you've been treated...do it to someone else one day
don't make me feel bad for being nice...try it for yourself
as bad as someone can make me feel by taking advantage, I'll never feel like you may when you've hurt someone you love

Thursday, September 02, 2004

leaving for the cottage tomorrow morning
spent all day shopping and preparing for the weekend
I can now say that I am the greastest of the greatest of girlfriends
I bought a sexy little outfit to wear, I baked cookies for the trip up, I bought steaks and lots of alcohol, and lastly I saw him tonight and dragged him to his car for a little "him time" because he was in a bad mood.
I'm not sure what it is about giving him "oral sex" that I enjoy so much...I just really do
It's gonna be a few days until I post again but it's not like anyone will know the difference seeing as Jordan said "no one reads it"... and I say "really no one does"

ok what the fuck...is it just me or did raymi just quit her blog???
i may be drunk but i hope i'm just dreamin.
and if i am then this will be erased in the mornin

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

not exactly sure why i haven't been updating lately
lazy and bored with nothing to write...
goin out to the bar tonight...finally!
haven't been in a while due to my over-the-top retardedness when i'm drunk
tonight i don't plan on drinking too much
tonight i plan on hangin with my bestfriend...the same best friend whom i haven't seen in a month because we both decided to go out and get ourselves boyfriend's
remember when we couldn't care less about dick?
remember when there was so much willing penis around us but we didnt care...just kept drinkin??
Jen and i used to have a point system
for every guy and everything we got from them there were points to be made and props to be given
we were good so we didnt have sex with them but luckily making them pay for shit and having them fall hard gave us mondo points
then they'd love us and we'd be like...sorry bud but thanks for the points ::muahahaha::
that all changed when boyfriends became the "in thing"
now i've always been one to be jealous of "cute couples" so naturally I followed and reeled me in a fat one
seriously, he was a chunker
one of those beefy italian types
the entire time i was with him i still hung with jen...partly because he couldn't have cared less about spending time with me
now I found Adam and I couldn't care less about spending time with anyone else

for some reason i love being naughty with him
i went to the mall the other day and bought the sexiest lingerie i could find and i can't wait to wear it
he's been at my parents house the last two nights and both times we went out to his car to do stuff
the first time it was to have sex and the second was just for his pleasure
i don't even care about getting mine...i just love when he's happy and if i gotta get down and dirty to make him happy then gosh darnit i'll do it!