Sunday, September 19, 2004

ok so the last time I posted I lied to you
I lied and said that I would be posting the next day and I didn't
why the lies Mare?
because I am a fuckin lazy dirtball
I talk about how much I love this blog and how its so nice to be able to get all my feelings out and then I forsake my beautiful readers with no posts for a week...and during a good week I only post once or twice
although I cannot make any promises I really want to keep you guys informed on my crazy life so I'll make more of an effort...
Last week I attended a "Suicide Intervention Retreat" which lasted two days
We learned about how to give first aid to someone who is thinking about takin the dive
my views on suicide have changed a lot through out this time
before the workshop I figured that if someone wanted to off themselves then by all means get on with it
why waste my time and energy on someone that is just going to give up anyway? there are so many other people that I can help and would really appreciate it
this workshop was also a little personal for me
when I was 8 my father attempted suicide
when I was 15 my father attempted suicide
My father has been sick for 15 years now...ever since I can remember he's had depression
a lot of people have it and it usually isn't too serious but my dad's case was far more serious than your normal bout of sadness
my father has a chemical imbalance which was to blame for my family almost losing him
I remember when I was 8 years old...my friend was having a birthday party and I had forgotten to tell my dad about it
being the good daddy he was he rushed to buy the present and get me to the party so that I would not be too late
on a long stretch of highway we were pulled over
my dad had been speeding and the policeman was less than nice about it
as the policeman walked back to his car to write up a ticket my dad started pounding on the dashboard and telling me that when I got older there were gonna be times that I just wouldn't want to go on...times that I wouldn't want to live anymore
I started to cry and seeing this my dad stopped, realizing what he had said he apologized and we went on our way to the party
When you're a child you shrug things off rather quickly so I ended up having a great time at the party all the while not knowing what was going on at home
when 8 o'clock rolled around and it was time to go everyone's parents came except mine
9 o'clock
10 o'clock
11 o'clock the phone finally rang
my mom was at the hospital and I had to stay at my friends house bcs my dad had "food poisoning" and she would stay with him for the night and pick me up the following morning
I was a kid but I still knew that something was up...it couldn't be a coincidence that my dad told me he wanted to die... and later that night he might actually be
he stayed in the hospital for 6 weeks after that
everynight I blamed myself for him being there
my dad had overdosed on pills and if I hadn't made him take me to jesse's party he'd be ok
I blamed myself for a long time
during the second week my dad blamed me too...he told me I was a bad kid because I made him sick
it was a long time until I stopped believing that.

A few years later he tried again, this time by asphyxiation
we talk about it now and he tells me that when he stood on that table and looked through that rope all he could see was my face, the faces of my brothers and he couldn't do it

My dad has gotten so much better lately...he found God
He's happy, he's beaten depression, and I'm a good kid again

I think this may be partly the reason I'm so religious
if God can turn someone so far gone like my dad into such an amazing person then I choose to thank him and believe for the rest of my life


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